#80 \User\Tools: Unix Tips with Scripts
#47 Dynamic Printer Forms
Product Versions
Version ID
Version History
Acronyms
Query UDP: Dateproc
Renaming your Tool account
Customer Survey
Image Logging for MNT
Commands for TIP
Don't Touch that Dial!
A0 Dates in SQL
ODBC Setup
How to Excel with your Data
EPOXI run-aways
eèéêë... !
From: Rik Bos To: 'General Discussion: On-Topic and Off-Topic Posts' Sent: Monday, April 19, 2010 02:57 AM Subject: RE: Suggestions for repairing HP tape drive capstans? Classic >1960 HP serials always mention the country of production. Format XX (year +1960) XX (month) Y (country code) XXXXXXXXXXXX (serial) 2823G123456 made year 1988 week 23 in Germany serial 123456 A = USA G = Germany F = France S = Signapore B = Brazil
From - Wed, 20 Oct 2004 15:54:04
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 11:49:24 -0400
From: Mark Wonsil
Subject: [HP3000-L] OT: Humo(u)r
To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU
Being of the same persuasion, I offer:
A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him the following eye chart:
C Z W X N Q S T A C Z
"Can you read this", the doctor asks?
"Read it?", the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"
From owner-HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Tue Oct 8 22:01:29 1996 Date: Tue, 8 Oct 1996 17:43:57 -0700 From: Jeff Kell Subject: Re: Interesting date Ken Paul wrote: > For those of you not in digest mode you missed the following bit of information: > > >Date: Sun, 2 Oct 2016 07:23:22 -0400 Darn, I almost thought I was going to get away with it :-) > Jeff, Any idea why this date happened? Not long ago, after introducing the web search interface, someone commented that response was amazingly fast. Now we're caught red-handed with the first Trans-Warp (tm) Millenium (tm) processor we have been doing beta-testing for the secretive HP-NASA-DoD-United Federation of Planets venture startup corporation. The containment field was momentarily compromised, and time/space was distorted in the immediate vicinity of the processor. Either that, or there was a misconfigured network time sync service being tested on the NT machine. Take your pick :-) Jeff Kell <jeff-kell@utc.edu>
From: Jerry Fochtman [jfochtma@BRADMARK.COM] Sent: Sun, Apr 12, 1998 7:09 AM To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Subject: [HP3000-L] This just in..... I only report 'em.... ;-) There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in.....well, you know the rest.
From: Denys Beauchemin Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2014 12:05 PM Subject: 45 years ago today... Apollo 11 lifted off. From: Craig Fransen Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2014 12:31 PM Subject: Re: 45 years ago today... Yes, and our family plans on taking our now traditional trip to the moon colony (Colony Five, actually) for our vacation this fall. I've heard the new Harrah's complex really outshines the dated Mandarin in Colony Two. My dad has been in the low-grav care facility in Three for eight years now and it's a treat to visit. While my wife enjoys the casino, I have time to finally take the tour of Heinlein Observatory. I've heard it's spectacular. Oh wait ... how did that not happen?
From: Simpkins, Terry To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Subject: [HP3000-L] OT: Friday Humor - Heaviest Element Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:10:16 -0500 The Heaviest Element */Lawrence Livermore Laboratories/* has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, *Governmentium*(symbol=Gv), has one *neutron*, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called *morons*, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called *peons*. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a *reorganization* in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming *isodopes*. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as *critical morass*. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes *Administratium* (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
From: Mark Wonsil To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Subject: [HP3000-L] OT: Weekend Humo(u)r Date: Sat, 3 Dec 2005 16:40:20 -0500 It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service, and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
From: joe andress To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Subject: [HP3000-L] Mid Week Humor Date: Wed, 13 Aug 2003 10:47:25 -0500 A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that friggin' monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
From: Denys Beauchemin To: HP3000-L@RAVEN.UTC.EDU Subject: Re: [HP3000-L] Y2K = Apocalypse? Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 12:11:51 -0600 Just remember, Atlantis disappeared on the first day of their 400th year. The computer controlling the flood gates (it was a JCN-compatible design running Fenestra 98), had the date turn to 320 (the date of the first PC) instead of 400 and it let the gates open wide. The computer was not Y4C compliant. Repeated, frenetic attempts at rebooting the box were meant with utter failure and within a few minutes the waters of the Atlantic Ocean had engulfed the entire continent of Atlantis.
| James Trudeau HP3000-L, Thu, 1 May 1997 |
...52 blocks of hosed (technical term for set to binary zeros)... |
| Denys Beauchemin HP3000-L, Thu, 5 Jun 1997 |
...junk, (sorry, technical term here, make that stuff),... |
| Lee Gunter HP3000-L, Wed, 18 Jun 1997 |
KANA: n. Scottish word meaning inability - for example, 'I kana believe you sign your name so strangely ...'. |
| Michael L Gueterman HP3000-L, Mon, 20 Oct 1997 |
...and the message is bogus (that's a technical term for "in error"... |
| Wirt Atmar HP3000-L, Wed, 22 Oct 1997 |
Gozanga! (a technical term),... |
| F. Alfredo Rego HP3000-L, Thu, 4 Dec 1997 |
Life is too short to be spent as a cog in somebody else's machine. |
| Denys Beauchemin HP3000-L, Wed, 11 Feb 1998 |
Windows NT is indeed a pig (technical term here folks)... |
| Terry Simpkins HP3000-L, Fri, 13 Feb 1998 |
...due to a "big mail booboo" (technical term)... |
| Denys Beauchemin HP3000-L, Fri, 15 May 1998 |
...had screwed up (technical term)... |
| John Burke HP3000-L, Tue, 18 Aug 1998 |
...then you are hosed.<--"highly technical term" |
| Art H Bahrs HP3000-L, Tue, 13 Oct 1998 |
...needing some settings to be tweaked (technical term... |
| James L Trudeau HP3000-L, Wed, 25 Nov 1998] |
The technical term is "It's broke". |
| Jim Phillips HP3000-L, Sat, 12 Dec 1998 |
...to ensure that everything is okey-dokey (technical term). |
| Bill Grefe HP3000-L, Wed, 3 Feb 1999 |
...long ordeal with a flaky (technical term) 2gb disc drive... |
| Denys Beauchemin HP3000-L, Mon, 12 Apr 1999 |
...and diddle (sorry for the technical term here) the bit map. |
| Bruce Toback HP3000-L, Fri, 22 Oct 1999 |
The surest way to render the data on the tapes unrecoverable is to develop a sudden need to recover some. This has always worked for me. |
| Jim Phillips HP3000-L, Fri, 22 Oct 1999 |
...we bought an electric magnetizer/eraser doo-dad (technical term!) |
| Jeff Mikolai HP3000-L, Thu, 11 Dec 1999 |
...was on the fritz (technical term) |
| Bill Lancaster HP3000-L, Tue, 8 Aug 2000 |
...by our standards anyway, sucks (a technical term)... |
| Gavin Scott Tue, 22 Aug 2000 |
The great thing about Open Source software is that you can have any color screen of death that you want. |
| Jeff Woods HP3000-L, Thu, 24 Aug 2000 |
You mean there's a sequence of operators and identifiers that C won't compile?! |
| Glenn Cole HP3000-L, Thu, 24 Aug 2000 |
(*(long long *)&fcp)++ If THAT doesn't scare people away from learning C.... ;) |
| Denys Beauchemin HP3000-L, Thu, 19 Apr 2001 |
...that will not crap out on me (sorry for the technical term.) |
| James Hofmeister HP3000-L, Sat, 6 Oct 2001 |
The technical term I use for this problem is the network was "Sucking Wind" |
| Gavin Scott Fri, 14 Dec 2001 |
When you rewrite the universe, you can pick any laws of physics that you like :-) |
| Donna Garverick HP3000-L, Tue, 5 Aug 2003 |
...is wigging-out (technical term :-)... |
| Walter Murray HP3000-L, Mon, 18 Oct 2004 |
That causes COBOL to mess up ("mess up" is a highly technical compiler term :-) |
| Jeff Kell HP3000-L, Thu, 16 Jun 2005 |
May the source be with you ... |
| Fred White (by Mark Wonsil) HP3000-L, Wed, 17 Aug 2005 |
There is no such thing as relational, network, or hierarchical databases; there's just relational, network, or hierarchical interfaces to data stores. |
| William Brandt HP3000-L, Thu, 28 Sep 2006 |
...and barfed. (that's the technical term)... |
| Donna Hofmeister HP3000-L, Wed, 7 Mar 2007 |
mpe is what unix hopes to be when it grows up ;-) -d |
| Stan Sieler HP3000-L, Tue, 8 May 2007 |
Every now and then we find an intrinsic that's documented to Unix standards :) |
| Mark Wonsil Mon, 13 Jun 2011 |
Sorry about dorking up the link... |
| Mark Wonsil Wed, 15 Jun 2011 |
...when the Task Manager is dorked. |
| Deron Funk Thu, 30 May 2013 |
(Subject: Google Glass) ...and Apple will join the fray with....iGlasses. |
| Gavin Scott Tue, 17 Sep 2013 |
(Subject: Cisco VPN) ...so every time you install or uninstall another piece of software you run the risk of irrevocably borking the Cisco client. |
| Neil Harvey Fri, 19 Sep 2014 |
(Subject: Wireless mouse) I can't find them on hp's website, so maybe they were discontinued because they worked too well...... |
| Steve Cooper Tue, 27 Jan 2015 |
(Subject: Computer History Museum lessons on the use of slide rules) The tour and lessons will last 1.73 hours. Or, maybe 17.3 hours. Or it could be .173 hours. Hard to know for sure. |
| Denys Beauchemin Mon, 26 June 2023 |
EOZ (End of Zoom.) |
Subject: Wong for a thousand years. Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:59:19 -0700 A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... "CELEBRATE !!!"
gif
